Day Two- Getting to the root of the problem.

Here's the problem: I don't realize my own self abuse untill after the fact, not until the pain comes.

So here I am, trying to look cute at 6:45 in the morning for a boy who
1) won't see it untill 1pm
And
2) doesn't even like me that way.

Weight is my biggest issue because along with the weight comes the self esteem issues... or maybe it's the other way around.

Self esteeme issues = Weight gain= self esteeme issues and weiglht gain. A circle maybe? Always repeating itself?

So here's the deal-at least as much as I can rememeber....

I was never a "skinny girl" I alway had a little more junk in my trunk. But I wasn't fat. My body build is stalker then most girls. My mom may have made me clean my plate a couple too many times but it was because she was still learning. So I was alway bulky. But I was active. Kartae, swimming, soccer, plus I was always active in school, well untill second grade..... That's when the "bad times" probably started.

My second grade teacher Miss Lotze. I sware she was the loneliest, most bitter woman I have met. And why anyone had let her into a elemetry school I will never know.... But she was there. My friend Prestain had her before me and had told me in hushed tones that she was a monster that I should plead with my mother to get switch out of her class. I wish my mother had listened to me. I wish she had listened to her own friend, Prestain's mother Susan, but she didn't. That or she didn't know how. My mother was new, I was her baby sure, but she didn't know any better when it came to me. She wasn't as forward with what she wanted in the school system as she is now. So I stayed in the class of a demon. Of a viper. I'm not sure why it happened, but I started binge eating. The stress? The fact that she was a horrible witch who was more into tearing apart the self esteem of her students then teaching them? Like I said I'm not totally sure... All I know is that I would go home do the dishes, eat a whole bag of Daretos and then hide the bag in the trash, and then do homework.Sometimes I would get in trouble, sometimes not, so I would keep benge eating. I felt like shit, but that's why I did it. It would make me feel full. I wouldn't feel lonely or upset anymore. The bad feelings would be pushed away for a little while longer, too bad it would go right to my hips.

Mom saw it happen but she didn't understand it. As I grew it my weight would level out, but I would keep benge eating and would gain the weight back.

So now I'm at the point were I'm not going to grow anymore, but my weight is still being added daily.

Why? We all ask that question... Well that's for another day and time.

Now don't get me wrong. I am NOT blaming all of my weight on 2nd grade. But I know it factors in at the begining of my weight gain. And knowing where it starts is usually helps in the unraveling process.